Put lightly, the shit has well and truly hit the fan. The big downer about this is there was only a tiny pile of shit to start with; yes it’s been gradually getting bigger, but nothing like this. A monumental piece of shit has fallen and must have hit a damn wind-turbine on speed or something to create as much mess as this.

Now given the fact that I am only 21 this probably will seem like I am overreacting to some minor event. But unfortunately no, not as simple as that. I spent last night ‘at her majesty’s pleasure’.  However, the reasons for this are not quite as clear as the ringing pain in my head and my wrists. Kind old PC Warburton explained it all though. Turns out I have a bit of a temper under the influence of alcohol, and hence my night out was cut abruptly short by a bouncer who thought I was under 18. So I smacked him.

Unfortunately, the good PC Warburton has said witnesses saw me smack him twice, and then proceed to kick out at him repeatedly. But he was built like a brick shithouse so a mere shove and I was on the floor and held there until the good folk from the copshop arrived. Even after reading witness statements and having all the details recounted to me multiple times, I have no recollection of any of this.

Nevertheless, I’m now making my way back to my mother’s house on foot, 2 miles down so 3 to go, with an assault charge hanging over my head for 10 days until I get to stand up before the magistrates and be told what a disgusting piece of scum I am and added to the statistics of drunken, violent Britain. I can’t fucking wait.